Little Boys Will Be... Gentle Young Men

     This month has been full of... well full! You kids started back to school and so did I. Brie is in grade 5, Leighton is in grade 3, and you started 1st grade. We have known that change is difficult for you but man have you overcome so much. We are noticing more and more that you struggle to follow directions in order to complete a task but it isn't on purpose. Your little head is so full of so many things, you can't keep focused. Who could blame you? Your little world has changed so much and I see your face when you're trying to keep up. It isn't easy. I want you to know I see you. I know that.
     Full disclosure. This month was hard on all of us for many reasons. It probably was hard not hearing from mommy for a few weeks It was probably hard having grandma come back to the house, not because she makes things hard, but because for so many years, she was your safe place. It is hard to remember that you have a new safe place and grandma is just grandma now. It was hard getting a new teacher when your old teacher was just getting you figured out. It was probably hard going into a classroom that didn't have all of your friends in it. It has been hard to not see your friends out your front door anymore. This month has been full.
    This month has shown us some regression in the progress that we thought we were making. You are doing less and less on your own, needing many reminders at school, and arguing (sometimes hitting) more and more with the girls. It's okay though. We've got a plan! I have started talking to your teacher about a behavior chart, some checklists, and some visual cues for you to stay on task. I know it is not your learning that is the problem, you are so smart! Your report cards always have the highest marks! We just have to get your head able to focus on your work or task. You'll get there. I have also made some cards for home so that we do not only verbally give you a direction, but you'll have a card now to read that will help you remember what you're supposed to be doing. Finally, I have asked the doctors to evaluate you for A.D.D. and we are scheduled to do that next month. The way I see it is, if we can find a way to help you, I will do it.
     Buddy, I am so proud of you. I love your little arms being wrapped around me. Your silly dances. The way you call the girls your sisters. Your heart is huge. We just love you so much and on those really rough days, I try to make sure you know that no matter what, you are loved beyond measure. This job is tough whether you came out of my body or not. Being a parent is not more difficult because you are not truly mine or more difficult because I didn't raise you from birth. Parenting is hard. All kids struggle and have their time that they need a little more attention. No worries. Uncle Robert and I will ride it out with you and be here when your hard time is done for now. We will love you and kiss you and hold your hand through the next hard time that comes as well. We love you Carter. You are worth it. One day when you are a fine young man, I will look back on these days and miss all of your mischievous ways.
   

To New Beginnings

My goal with the picture above was to do family pictures so that there were pictures of the five of us hanging in our house. I wanted Carter to know he belonged here. We also had Christmas cards that needed to be sent out and I thought this would be a great way to introduce our new family to the many people that may not know that we had expanded. The pictures turned out epic but in the background I was yelling "smile!" and "stop!" and we even had Carter's front tooth knocked out. I smoothed that over by asking them to not knock it all the way out so there was no blood in our pictures, (totally normal right?!) It was freezing out and we were all in a rush to get them over with. As we drove away from our pictures we were all laughing about how cold it was and mentioned that there was no way that any of the pictures would be worth it.
We were officially a family. The kids were bickering. Robert and I were taking turns yelling at the kids to smile or put their hand a particular way. At no time were we acting as if there was this new little guy in our family and it was anything special. I loved that. I loved that it didn't feel different than any of our other family photos. It was exciting to me that we had made it through our first big family event in one piece... dysfunctional, but together!
We have went from Fall to Spring and I have yet to print these pictures for our home. I feel hesitant and I am not sure why. It has been going great. My sister and I have a better relationship than ever before. She has thanked me numerous times for helping Carter. She has told me that she is thankful for the life he has. She is dealing with her own life right now and that is exactly what is best for everyone. However, I am waiting for the shoe to drop. I am waiting for something to change. Some days it feels like I am holding my breath. I am holding my breath hoping that the morning routine went okay with all of the kids and my husband, or that I do not get a call from school that day that Carter hit someone (more on that on another day), or that he didn't get in trouble on the bus, or that his placement may change. I imagine this is how many parents who have taken in a child they have not raised from the beginning feel. The fear of the unknown is what keeps me up at night some times. I also feel this unbearable burden to tell EVERYONE what Carter has made it though. All that he has overcome. All that he is the product of. All that he deals with daily to try and adapt to his new life. At five years old, this little boy is doing more in one day to be "normal" than most people. At the same time I am battling with wanting to explain his story to everyone, I also want it to be a secret. I want him treated like every other kid in his class and amongst his friends, hell, even our friends! I want his story to be his. I do not plan on telling his story in this blog. That is not my place. I plan to love him, support him, cry with him, laugh with him, encourage him, and always, always, always let him know that so many people loved him enough to play a part in him having the chance at life that he deserves.


Photo by MeLisa Williams Photography