To New Beginnings

My goal with the picture above was to do family pictures so that there were pictures of the five of us hanging in our house. I wanted Carter to know he belonged here. We also had Christmas cards that needed to be sent out and I thought this would be a great way to introduce our new family to the many people that may not know that we had expanded. The pictures turned out epic but in the background I was yelling "smile!" and "stop!" and we even had Carter's front tooth knocked out. I smoothed that over by asking them to not knock it all the way out so there was no blood in our pictures, (totally normal right?!) It was freezing out and we were all in a rush to get them over with. As we drove away from our pictures we were all laughing about how cold it was and mentioned that there was no way that any of the pictures would be worth it.
We were officially a family. The kids were bickering. Robert and I were taking turns yelling at the kids to smile or put their hand a particular way. At no time were we acting as if there was this new little guy in our family and it was anything special. I loved that. I loved that it didn't feel different than any of our other family photos. It was exciting to me that we had made it through our first big family event in one piece... dysfunctional, but together!
We have went from Fall to Spring and I have yet to print these pictures for our home. I feel hesitant and I am not sure why. It has been going great. My sister and I have a better relationship than ever before. She has thanked me numerous times for helping Carter. She has told me that she is thankful for the life he has. She is dealing with her own life right now and that is exactly what is best for everyone. However, I am waiting for the shoe to drop. I am waiting for something to change. Some days it feels like I am holding my breath. I am holding my breath hoping that the morning routine went okay with all of the kids and my husband, or that I do not get a call from school that day that Carter hit someone (more on that on another day), or that he didn't get in trouble on the bus, or that his placement may change. I imagine this is how many parents who have taken in a child they have not raised from the beginning feel. The fear of the unknown is what keeps me up at night some times. I also feel this unbearable burden to tell EVERYONE what Carter has made it though. All that he has overcome. All that he is the product of. All that he deals with daily to try and adapt to his new life. At five years old, this little boy is doing more in one day to be "normal" than most people. At the same time I am battling with wanting to explain his story to everyone, I also want it to be a secret. I want him treated like every other kid in his class and amongst his friends, hell, even our friends! I want his story to be his. I do not plan on telling his story in this blog. That is not my place. I plan to love him, support him, cry with him, laugh with him, encourage him, and always, always, always let him know that so many people loved him enough to play a part in him having the chance at life that he deserves.


Photo by MeLisa Williams Photography